Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
