Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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