Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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