while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
