we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
