I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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