I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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