he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
