dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Randomize
