Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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