when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
