But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
