Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
