Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
