You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dick very happy bro
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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