Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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