I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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