I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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