ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
