my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
