I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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