Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
