I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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