Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
