I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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