well I can't set my house on fire every night
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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