JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
