If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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