i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
