There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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