If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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