apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
