I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
