Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
