when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
