I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
