four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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