I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
