then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
