DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
