i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
