nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
