I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
