meet me or not, i'm out of control
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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