Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
