just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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