Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
