I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize