my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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