i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
