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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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