Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
