If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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