half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
