and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
