How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
