He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
