I hope mine doesn't look like that
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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