the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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