Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
